Guts……

It is getting closer to Bonz being an amputee for two months.. Man all I can say is this guy has guts.. He is tough. I cannot imagine being blind and losing a leg but he just keeps pushing. He will not be stopped. He wants to walk.. he drags me around. Yes he gets tired and yes he misses a step and face plants but he gets right back up and starts barking or walking or whatever. I really admire this guy. I almost feel bad saying that as I am the reason he is blind and on 3 legs. It is like I am admiring him for persevering through what I put him through =/ . But yeah this guy.. just GUTS.

We went to the DR today for his post post surgical one moth follow up to his 2 week follow up lol …Got that? Dr Henderson is just a great guy. I feel like he really cares and talks to you. He is not just there to check the dog out and let you go. He sat there for 30 minutes asking me how Bonz was doing and listening to me gush all about how he is. Bonz lost some weight he said that was good. Bonz was being his frisky “you better get me the hell out of this place” attitude he always has at the Dr as he hates going more than anything. Which I have said before I cannot blame him. He has had his eyesight removed at the Dr.. a leg….emergency surgeries…he just wants to be in his yard.  Dr. Henderson asked if now we felt we made the right choice. I said OH YES!. He then said he had serious doubts before the surgery but now he sees Bonz and knows he is good.

I talked over Chemo with the Dr… We never did go back to the Oncologist. I kept telling myself that we needed to wait for the wound from surgery to fully heal and we did need to the Dr said so. So we did wait. But secretly I think I was glad it healed slow so I could think some more. The Oncologist said we can’t be 100% sure if it is the aggressive cancer or the slow because of no true biopsy. He said if it was the aggressive even with chemo it was a 50/50 chance it would come back somewhere else in Bonz in 6 to 9 months. Dr Henderson, though not an Oncologist, said that the median survival rates for the aggressive form was about 1 1/2 years.. compared to about a  year with non chemo. Basically he was saying in his professional opinion chemo was not gonna add much time compared to no Chemo. Chemo was not a cure. It was to prolong life. (Fighting tears) I do not want to give up but at the same time Bonz hates Dr’s.. he shivers to death when he goes and I feel like he just wants to live.. I think he is like me in that sense. He is OK in leaving as long as he can just live how he wants while he is here.

As I said I truly hate I feel like I will stick with this decision. That I am giving up and saying “OK CANCER HE IS YOURS” When I do not even know if he has cancer.. In reality though with his age and blindness and bad arthritis I do agree with the DR that in all reality We might have to take action before the cancer even gets to him. I just want to pull out all the stops.. I want him to live forever. I know that is dumb that in our minds we even think they will be here forever . But at times I feel that way about all my pups.

We are moving to a new house next week. a MUCH larger one.. twice size of ours now. With a new back yard and lots of space for him to roam and smell and bark.. I just don’t think I can handle taking him in every 3 weeks and watch him shiver and claw at the door at the Dr wondering “Good god what are they going to do to me now. what are they going to take from me”

I know the amputation was the right choice for us and for Bonz. He was not ready to go. He has so much life in him and he fought and he got through the surgery. Now I think if he could talk he would tell me “Dad I am ready to live.. and I am ready to stop just trying to not die.. let me live and enjoy the time I have with you be it 3 months or 3 years”

I just hope I am hearing him right.